09/23/08

Bastard #1's Bottom 80 Songs Of The 80's

80. Fiona with Kip Winger – "Everything You Do (You're Sexin' Me) – 1989 #52
We start the bottom 80 off with hair metal cheese. First of all, did anyone really say "you're sexin' me"? I would expect if I said that to a woman…the boobies would remain clothed. And how good could this song be if unknown Fiona got top billing over lame ass but well known Kip Winger.

79. Cameo – "You Make Me Work" – 1988 #85
I loved Cameo but they made a song with the same bass line, same horns and same drumming as "Word Up" – exactly the same. The only difference is a small guitar lick and that they got older and sound like a cameo cover band. Jesus, the same damn song.

78. Bruce Willis – "Under The Boardwalk" – 1987 #59
This is the first of many covers on this list. If you're going to do a cover make sure it's at least as good as the original, you remake it creatively and you pick a song that can still sound relevant in the decade you sing it. This has none of those elements and it's Bruce fucking Willis.

77. Mick Jagger & David Bowie – "Dancing in the Street" – 1985 #7
South America!! What a trainwreck. Two supremely talented guys that probably did this simply to snuggle with each other. They sound so uninspired. If you're going to pick a cover of this to listen to – take Van Halen's.

76. White Lion – "Little Fighter" - 1989 #52
I could have chosen pretty much anything from these pussies. I'm sure it was more the record label that made White Lion the hair metal ballad leaders, so it seems like when they try to create a song with a little rock in it they forget all musicianship. The music is poor, the vocals are terrible and the lyrics are super cheesy. The worst of many bad White Lion songs.

75. Mike Pinera – "Goodnight My Love" – 1980 #70
Most people have probably heard small clips of this at some point though no one knows who Mike Pinera is. Painfully sappy.

74. Emmylou Harris – "Mr. Sandman" – 1981 #37
Another song that just didn't need to be redone. Still sounds like it belongs in the 60's. She didn't even try to update this to make it sound like it belonged in the 80's…and the public bought this. Idiots.

73. J. Geils Band – "Fright Night" – 1985 #91
Ugh, what was a great group like the J. Geils Band thinking? Sick sounding keyboards and over the top pop schmaltz, this doesn't even sound like the same band that released Centerfold and Love Stinks.

72. Edleweiss – "Bring Me Edleweiss" – 1989 Modern Rock #24
This must have been in the days before you had to clear samples. The music is from "SOS" by Abba, but updated to a hip hop form and then they tossed in every single sample they could find over top it. So much going on in this song that your brain hurts.

71. Queen – "Body Language" – 1982 #11
How this got to #11 is beyond me. Spoken lyrics, and only a weird drum beat and a bass line in this. A complete throw away song that should have never made an album let alone be released as a single.

70. Korgis – "Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime" 1980 #18
Oh, Christ. What a pussy ass song. There is absolutely no pulse to this one. Sadly, it's the only song they are known for.

69. Stryper – "I Believe In You" 1988 #88
The novelty of these guys being a Christian "metal" group must have been why these guys had hits. The singer sucks, the music is beyond sappy and how many songs are Jesus really hit the radio? These guys sipped green tea between takes. They must have.

68. Isle of Man – "Am I Forgiven" – 1986 #90
You'd listen to the first 25 seconds or so and you'd think this was an okay song. Then the guy starts signing. Whoever this lead singer is – blows. One of the worst voices of the 80's.

67. John Denver & Sylvie Vartan – "Love Again" 1984 #85
John Denver had this knack in the 80's to collaborate with artists that don't belong singing a pop song. Sylvie Vartan sang in purely French before this song. So naturally John pulls her in and gets her to sing in English. Beyond that, I don't think I need to explain why John Denver gets put in the bottom 80.

66. Jermaine Jackson – "You're Supposed to Keep Your Love For Me" – 1980 #34
I cannot believe this was written by Stevie Wonder. This shit sounds like it's skipping at points. There's just no flow. And you might say – well, what do you expect from Jermaine Jackson? Listen to some Jermaine before you make that statement – he was actually very good.

65. Dan Fogelberg – "Believe In Me" 1984 - #48
Dan Fogelberg got a bad rep. Late 70's and early 80's he had some rockin' songs. You'll have to believe me on that one since I don't expect anyone to go and pick up a Dan Fogelberg CD, but all the record company did was release the ballads. This one was particularly shit.

64. John Schneider – "Still" – 1981 #69
Bo Duke just couldn't sing. It's that simple. And this is one of the poorest produced songs of the 80's as well.

63. James Ingram & Patti Austin – "How Do You Keep The Music Playing" 1983 #45
I just find it ironic that the song is called How Do You Keep The Music Playing and there's barely a beat to it. I think I fell asleep twice during it.

62. ZZ Top – "Leila" – 1981 #77
When my buddy Brendan listened to this he said something along the lines of – Who did that pussy ass song that sounds like an imitation of ZZ Top? This shit is far different than Legs era ZZ.

61. Dolly Parton – "Downtown" – 1984 #80
Ugh. So many reasons for inclusion. It didn't need to be remade. She's sucks. The quiver in her voice is incredibly bad in this. She's a complete waste of massive hooters?

60. Headpins – "Just One More Time" – 1983 #70
You really need to hear this. Fronted by a manly looking female, she does nothing but completely overbelt each line. It's like she's screaming the entire song.

59. Kissing The Pink – "Maybe This Day" 1983 #87
I give them props for the name. Though I take them away when they were forced to change their name to KTP later in their career.

58. Chris Christian - "Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing/You're All I Need To Get By" 1982 #88
I hate mixtures of more than one song – like this. And I hate people that can't sing. This guy has one of those really grating voices.

57. REO Speedwagon – "In Your Letter" – 1981 #20
This is a rock group? This is a 60's pop song that should only be sung by teenage girls. REO Speedwagon were pussies.

56. New Kids on the Block – "Didn't I (Blow Your Mind)" 1989 #8
We thank those same teenage girls for making this group popular. Someone thought this song was so good that the decided to go back to the first record to release this in the middle of singles of their second album. No one in this group had the vocal chops to sing ballads. No one. Some of the upbeat songs are passable. None of the ballads are.

55. Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb – "What Kind of Fool Am I" – 1981 #10
Most people leave Babs out of lists like this because it's just too obvious…but no me, El Capitan Obvious! I really like Barry Gibb and the Bee Gees. But there was no reason for him to produce and sing on an entire Barbra album!!!

54. Chris Christian – "I Want You, I Need You" – 1981 #37
Only a few spots later, here's this tool again – with an even sappier song than before.

53. Anne Murray – "Could I Have This Dance" – 1980 #33
It's unbelievable that radio stations actually played this shit. I can't even picture adult stations airing this crap today.

52. Jack Wagner – "Lady Of My Heart" – 1985 #76
Seriously, this actor had four top 100 hits and he can't sing at all. He just sounds like he's trying way too hard.

51. Bernadette Peters – "Gee Whiz" – 1980 #31
Another actress trying to sing…and of course singing a song that doesn't belong in this decade.

50. Rick Dees – "Eat My Shorts" – 1984 #75
A comedy song that's incredibly unfunny. It's a slow song. Usually, songs that are supposed to make you laugh work better when they are upbeat. This barely moves.

49. Bulletboys – "For The Love of Money" – 1989 #78
By 1989 hair metal had become a joke. But I really think when this song debuted on the chart in April of '89 – we had finally reached crossed the line when this had to stop.

48. Barry Manilow – "Let's Hang On" – 1982 #30
Barry Manilow was the original "Punk'd". The guy had 30 some hits and they all sucked. Barry Manilow had to be an experiment to see how long one shitty artist could have a career. Somewhere, someone is still collecting bets on this one.

47. Bobby McFerrin – "Don't Worry, Be Happy" – 1988 #1.
Fuck you Bobby McFerrin.

46. Fred Parris and the Five Satins – "Memories of Days Gone By" – 1982 #71
The 80's made the mash-up famous. There were a couple dozen songs that took songs from other decades or songs from one artist and mashed them into one continuous song. Stars on 45 were the best example of this. This is one of the worst. Most groups that did this type of recording at least made the backbeat dance-y and tried to change it up a bit – this one still sounds like it's from the 60s.

45. Corey Hart – "Dancin' With My Mirror" 1987 #88
I'm happy to finally get to Corey Hart. He's my least favorite hit maker of the 80's. Why? It wasn't the music, because if I went by that –some of his songs weren't bad at all. It's the lyrics. They are totally ridiculous. Why the fuck is he dancing with his mirror? I don’t get this at all. Is he so lame, no girls will dance with him? Or does he want himself so much that he loves looking at himself? Maybe both?

44. Steve Miller Band – "Shangri-La" – 1984 #57
Corey Hart may be my least favorite artist – but Steve Miller is the artist that when looking at his entire body of work in this decade – was the worst. Starting with Abracadabra, Steve Miller went off the fucking deep end with his songs. They rambled, were very strange and very very off-key. Too many drugs. It worked for many people. Not Steve Miller.

43. Barbra Streisand and Don Johnson – "Till I Loved You" – 1988 #25
No reason to even explain this. The artists in question should say it all.

42. Jack Wagner – "Too Young" 1985 #52
His voice didn't get better with his second record.

41. Rick Springfield – "Bruce" 1984 #27
As opposed to Corey Hart, Rick Springfield is one of my favorites of the 80's. This song is a brutal piece of crap about how he was always mistaken for Bruce Springsteen. This would be higher except for the fact that Rick didn't have anything to do with his. He recorded the vocals in 1978 without music and the record company dug them up and stuck some rock music over top in 1984. Just a plain stupid song in the middle of many good releases from him.

40. Corey Hart – "Sunglasses at Night" – 1984 #7
It's well documented how ridiculous these lyrics are.

39. Hot Chocolate – "Are You Getting Enough Happiness" - 1982 #65
This song is from what I consider the worst album of the 80's. This song is just terrible. The lead singer left his voice in the 70's and the Fisher Price keyboard rhythm in this is just laughable.

38. Rolling Stones – "Emotional Rescue" – 1980 #3
God I hate this track. Mick Jagger singing in the highest register he could get to and it was still a few registers above what sounded good.

37. Tracie Spencer – "Imagine" – 1989 #85
Yeah, okay. Let a teenage girl cover this classic song. She couldn't possibly know what this song stands for. To her it was probably just another song thrown in front of her.

36. Great White – "Save Your Love" – 1988 #57
I'm surprised their fans didn't burn down the venues in '88 just to get away from this turd in concert.

35. George Burns – "I Wish I Was Eighteen Again" – 1980 #49
What's worse than listening to 90 year old comedian try to sing? When the song isn't a comedic track. Yes, folks. This is a serious track. Oy.


34. Paul Shaffer – "When The Radio Is On" – 1989 #81
This song would easily be in the top 10 if it wasn't for Kool Moe Dee and Fresh Prince on this. Paul Shaffer decided to make a hip hop song as if it would make him cool. He cannot sing. That's problem #1. He also has no idea how to create a hip-hop beat. That's problem #2. Problems 3 through 100 just would take up too much room.

33. Joyce Cobb – "Dig The Gold" – 1980 #42
This is on here for it's complete weirdness. The music sounds like a TV theme song and she sings with a very very strange accent. It's almost like she's trying to put a fake accent on this with poor results.

32. Powersource – "Dear Mr. Jesus" – 1987 #61
Another one you have to hear to believe. A really really creepy song about child abuse sung by little kids.

31. Newcity Rockers – "Rev It Up" – 1987 #86
Ha. All the stereotypical cheesy hard rock lines in one song "Hit the streets and have a wild night. Rev it up and never see a red light."

30. Michael Damian – "Cover of Love" – 1989 #31
What would a 'worst of' list be without this douchebag. Michael Damian could sadly do no wrong in 1989.

29. Roxanne – "Play That Funky Music" – 1988 #63
The least funky version of this ever. A poor attempt at a rock cover of this. And yes, Roxanne were a group of white guys.

28. Firefall – "Always" – 1983 #59
There's only so much I can say about these sappy ass ballads – but as we move closer to the top they get slower, cheesier and the choruses get more and more over the top with bad harmonies.

27. Sa-Fire – "I Will Survive" – 1989 #53
It doesn't take long to hear why this is bad. The cheesy beat gives it away but the lyrics are the worst part. Is she munching on a cock while trying to sing? These vocals just aren't coming out right.

26. David Foster & Olivia Newton-John – "The Best of Me" – 1986 #80
Oh Christ. As we move higher and higher, it gets harder and harder to listen to these and concentrate on why they are bad. David Foster loved his over the top ballads and who better to sing one of these than sappy ass Olivia.

25. Andy Frasier – "Do You Love Me" – 1984 #82
Think of what it means to be in the top 25 worst songs of a full decade. That's quite a feat. We start off with quite a bang too – a piss poor cover of Do You Love me. I give him credit for trying to update the sound at least – he tries to add a little rock into this but it comes off very cheesy…not to mention that he takes the dances from the 60's out and replaces them with bad lines that would fit the 80's.

24. Andy Gibb & Victoria Principle – "All I Have To Do Is Dream" – 1981 #51
I'm crying. I need to just move on so I don't have to listen to this train wreck.

23. Debbie Harry – "Backfired" – 1981 #43
Enough with the rapping Debbie. We understand you broke ground by being a white female rapper. But enough already. Way over produced and over sung/rapped by Debbie. Tries to be funky where no funk could really be.

22. Oak Ridge Boys – "So Fine" – 1982 #76
Another pet peeve of mine is when your lyrics have a different pace than the music. The flow in this is terrible and they really just keep repeating the same lines over and over.

21. Linda Rondstadt – "What's New" – 1983 #53
I understand artists wanting to go in a new direction but two albums with an orchestra? C'mon – how did this shit chart? What radio station fit this bullshit in with a Def Leppard song?

20. Barry Manilow – "I'm Your Man" – 1986 #86
This is a club banger from Barry fucking Manilow. I'm not kidding. Some asswipe decided it would be good to make Barry sing a song for the clubs.

19. Starland Vocal Band – "Loving You With My Eyes" – 1980 #71
"Making love to you with my eyes is a beautiful, natural, impossible high." What? No, making love to you with my ginormous schlong is much better.

18. Manhattan Transfer – "Trickle Trickle" – 1980 #73
Laughable. Sounds like a hold over from 1950.

17. Europe – "The Final Countdown" – 1987 #8
How could this not be in here? I know it's clichéd – but that's why it's bad. It's the benchmark for 80's cheese.

16. Placido Domingo and John Denver – "Perhaps Love" – 1982 #59
I said it back down with John's other song. He had a knack of picking people that shouldn't be singing to go along with him. I'm sure Placido is a great opera singer, but he doesn't belong on a pop song. He's barely singing in English. It's so painful to listen to.

15. New Kids on The Block – "Cover Girl" – 1989 #2
I don't know which one of these kids is singing on this song, but it was without a doubt the wrong choice. He cannot handle this song at all. Case in point and the single reason this song is so high up on this list – the ear piercing wrong note at 3:14 that someone inexplicably decided to leave in. Did they run out of studio time to re-record? And this still went to #2.

14. Michael Morales – "What I Like About You" – 1989 #28
This song is the song that I listened to and said to myself "I have to make a list of the worst songs of the 80s". This is top 40 only because it's such a great song to begin with. This version just sounds like a karaoke version of it. The kids on the short bus could do a better version than this. The ten person harmonies make it sound so cheap.

13. Stryper – "Honestly" – 1987 #23
Do you remember back when this was released? Remember when Christ recorded a commercial that said simply "Those pussies in Stryper don't represent me. I don't want to have anything to do with these pansies." That was awesome. Rock on Christ.

12. Streek – "One More Night" – 1981 #47
Again, another song where there's just too many words in each line. They crush their words together to get them to fit. No! Change the fucking music instead! On top of that the chorus sounds like they have their balls in a vice. Someone needed to stop this from happening.

11. Steve Miller Band – "Bongo Bongo" – 1985 #84
I would have been embarrassed if I was still a player in the Steve Miller Band at this point. There's nothing redeemable about this song at all.

10. Police – "Don't Stand So Close To Me '86" – 1986 #46
The original back in '81 was a great song. There was no reason to remake this. Just the fact that the vocal structure is remarkably different from the original means that Sting had to have something to do with this. It wasn't just the record company tossing some new music over top of this without knowledge of the band. A sad sad sad final desperate attempt to get money from a dead group.

9. All Sports Band – "I'm Your Superman" – 1981 #93
This is so gay. I wasn't expecting a ballad this poor from a group called the All Sports Band. Gay McGay would have been a better name for this band. "I'm your superman, a man of steel, I'll protect you from all eeeeevilllll."

8. Lorenzo Lamas – "Fools Like Me" – 1984 #85
This is the second worst performance from an actor in the 80's. The worst one, Scott Baio, didn't have any hits, so he couldn't make this list – but this can. I think the tell tale sign that the song is bad is that he recorded this to be the theme song to his movie – "Fools Like Me" – and the fucker was too poor to even put on the soundtrack.

7. Boys Band – "Please Don't Stop Me Baby (I'm On Fire) – 1982 #61
Only the 80's could produce a sappy ballad with a title like this. The chorus: "Please don't stop me, baby I'm on fire. Don't put me out, not while I'm burning."

6. Steve Miller Band – "Circle Of Love" – 1982 #55
Yes sir, another Steve Miller Band song. The whole song is sung with bad harmonies and layered vocals but the worst part about this is the endless sick sounding "ahhh ahhhh ahhhh…ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh's" throughout this song.

5. Meco – "Ewok Celebration" – 1983 #60
The first half of this song is sung in Ewok. The second half is rapped in Ewok. [shaking head]

4. Get Wet – "Just So Lonely" – 1981 #39
These poor little kids must be damaged for life. I think the boy (yes, boy) singing this was like 12 or something. I mean, how bad must he have gotten picked on? He's singing a song that sounds like it's from 1965 and completely off-key. I mean wincingly off-key. This guy is in his late 30's right now and I guarantee you is a waiter at IHOP.

3. Corey Hart – "Boy In The Box" – 1985 #26
Hands down, this to me is the most retarded chorus of the 80's: "Pull up your socks, you're the box in the box. What did the Rebel say? When the wolf cried fox to the boy in the box, will you come out to play. One, Two you can't get enough. Three, four open up the door. Six, Five alive is the boy in the box." Six-Five? Six-Five? Is that the only way this could rhyme Corey? If so, start the fuck over.

2. Roger – "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" – 1981 #79
This song is ear piercing. I know Roger made his living using the vocoder. You know, that instrument which is a tube attached to a keyboard and you put the tube into your mouth, sing, and it comes out computerized? It worked at points but it gives you a brilliant fucking headache on this one. Try listening to this loudly. You can barely understand any of the words, it's so distorted and it just makes your ear drums burn. At least the single was only seven minutes. The album version was an ear bleeding 12.

1. Toni Basil – "Shoppin' From A to Z" – 1983 #77
So you think "Mickey" was bad? It's nothing compared to this. This is literally Toni taking her supermarket list and reading it off in alphabetical order. Twice. Apparently they couldn’t think of a food that begins with "Z" – because it sounds like she's shopping for Zippers. D'oh.

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