Bastard Bios

The original bastard (hence the #1 - duh). Even before he started the DBC with Bastard #2, he was trying to take WTSR down with him. In one year alone, he managed to get the station suspended from CMJ charts, ran a 25-year-old institution (AKA: Radiothon) into the ground, and was the station manager for a record low number of days (five, to be precise) before the powers-that-be booted his ass.

Now, Bastard #1 has decided making money and getting poonanny every night is more important than being at the show every week. So his lazy ass lives in Nutsack, PA with Miss Jackie and he calls in for a fascinating 30 minute segment. Bastard #1 is widely considered a geek in most circles due to his 2000+ piece 80's music collection. He is, however, very proud to own that Frank Stallone record - more proud than any human should be, in fact. His likes include bacon, boobies and long walks on the beach under a glistening sunset while Air Supply tunes play ever so softly in the background. Oh, and huge knockers. Did we mention that?

After many months of judging WTSR’s first-ever game show, The Blind Man’s Challenge (and doing irrevocable harm to his relationship with fellow Bastard # 2 following the infamous “Spacehog incident”), a lowly station employee was christened “Bastard # 3” and his Tuesday nights would never be the same.

Despite his penchant for playing a little too much Idaho and Red House Painters, and his habit of asking Bastard #1 how he is doing fifty times each week, #3 has succeeded where many others have failed – keeping up with his Bastard brethren. It’s not easy being THAT big of an asshole week in and week out, but # 3 perseveres. Whether it be speaking in graphic detail about the gruesome mauling he wishes upon Jennifer Garner underneath the Bus of Death, or commenting that he would rather watch baby chickens being murdered than sit through the film The Dukes of Hazard, #3 is no slouch in the “asshole department.” His favorite store is Hot Topic, where he enjoys buying vintage Ramones concert T’s and wearing them around like a jag-off. And of course, lest we forget, he likes nothing more than curling up with some Ming tea and a Dashboard Confessional record, and crying himself to sleep.

Who says “Three’s a crowd”? Here are some individuals who have somehow found their way into the rouges gallery of the DBC:

Stalker Boy – For weeks, Bastard # 3's discarded food containers were finding the bottom of the trashcan instead of littering the studio floor - it appeared that he had finally perfected his outside jump shot. However, it was discovered that the only reason this was occurring was because someone was hiding behind the trashcan deflecting all of his shots in. It soon became evident that this was the same individual who was always tailing the Bastards to the local Quick Chek and 7-11. Messrs. 2 & 3 figured that anybody who would do this was either a huge fan or a recently escaped mental patient. Thus, they anointed him Stalker Boy, and he quickly became the fifth most popular figure on the show, right after Dictionary Guy and just before Glen Danzig.

Honorary "Bastard Number 4" – A former station bigwig, "HBN4" is perhaps the most mysterious recurring character in DBC lore. Some members of the show are not even aware of his true identity. Those of us who do remember him fondly recall his charming demeanor, his unrivaled long-winded eloquence, and his penchant for requesting the same Actionslacks' song over and over again. "HBN4," where are you?

Bastardo Numero Cinco – Whilst on one of our many trips to local Ewing convenience stores, we encountered this colorful chap in the parking lot, trying to score some rims for his ride-on lawn mower. As we overheard his torrents of profanity directed at patrons who were indifferent towards his Mexican-hat dance, we decided that anyone who can call someone a “pillow-biting douche-bag” en espanol is "muy bueno" for the show. He was last seen fleeing the border patrol after the slashing of a rival day-laborer’s throat.

Bitch #1 – Proving that we truly are “equal opportunity offenders” (and that we needed the occasional shot of estrogen into our weekly sausage-fest), the Bastards proudly welcomed “The First Lady of the DBC” into our extended family.

Sven - When the winds of political change are blowin', we can always count on Sven, our Scandinavian correspondent to give us his unique political insights. With one finger on the pulse and the others firmly up the anus of state and federal politics, Sven is our absolute favorite pundit (and dare we say it, sexier than Sean Hannity in ass-less chaps).

Roommate Eric – Former roommate of Bastard #1. Taxi driver. Owner of a lonely heart.

Deaf Jesus – The man looks like Jesus and is partially deaf. God, do I have to explain everything?

06/11/08